This post is inspired by living in Columbus, Ohio, as I do, and not being a follower of collegiate sports. Those of you who are both, read at your own risk, although if you do both in moderation, the following is not directed at you.

For the last fifteen years, on the day of the "big game," I wonder what life in Columbus would be like without that game. I wonder what it would be like to walk into a store and not have at least one salesperson refuse to help you because you picked the wrong day to pull a random navy blue shirt out of the closet. I wonder what it would be like to not have to take the day off of work and stay home to ensure that one's home wouldn't be vandalized. I wonder what it would be like to take the bus on a Saturday afternoon and not be surrounded by people who wouldn't normally be caught dead taking the bus and who spend the entire time either talking about how hammered they will be in eight hours, or complaining about how icky the bus seats are. (I also wonder what it would be like to live in a city where people would actually vote for a levy to support a decent bus system... I guess I'll have to move to Dayton or Toledo to find out.) I wonder what it would be like not to have to warn people who happened to be visiting from a certain location out of state against wearing certain clothes, driving their own vehicles, telling anyone their place of origin or carrying any valuables, lest they run the risk of having their persons and property assaulted. I wonder what it would be like not to be surrounded by people who, for at least this one day, make scarlet and gray not the color of hometown pride, but of something very close to the uniform of mob mentality.

Prior to a few years ago, I admit I never had any patience with all the people who live here but constantly talk about how they're going to move to Chicago, or Seattle, or New York. Maybe, however, they talk about leaving (and some actually leave, and some of those people actually leave for good) for this reason: because even though those cities (and all cities everywhere, I'm pretty sure) have crime and pollution and corruption and assorted scary crap that is unique to their situation, none of those cities have giant masses of people who take a fricking college football game so damned seriously. Now, I'm going home to Surtsey Island, Ohio, to watch The Apartment and They Might Be Giants, and not a single character in those movies is suddenly going to break out in a chorus of "OH! IO!" or mention a single thing about illicit sexual contact with a wolverine or with the state of Michigan. Who's with me?